Well its been a while since I’ve written my blog. Not that I haven't had anything to say, its just that I've been incredibly busy and haven't managed my free time well enough to journal.
I’m starting this blog entry on a flight to Phoenix, Arizona. As usual, I stayed up way later than I needed to and I waited to the very last moment to pack a bag which consists of 3 pair of underwear, two shirts, an extra pair of slacks, one pair of socks, toothbrush, deodorant and a laptop.
I’m exhausted and would be Asleep right now but the gentleman next to me just so happens to be about 6’8” and his arms are hanging all into my seat. I know you can't establish to much personal space on a plane but to have another man’s hairy a$$ elbows touching your thigh is inexcusable!!! Clearly, American Airlines should have sat Chubaka with a lil’ bitty old grandma instead of me.
Now that I’ve started on a rant, I think there should be some rule on how the Airlines should pair up people who are flying one the same flight. I’m not a proponent of profiling but in this case I will make an exception. Just give me the profile slip that says I want the window seat and if I had to have anyone sit next to me, she should be petite, fairly attractive and not overly talkative in the mornings.
(Rant officially over – moving on)
As I regain focus and get back to my original thoughts, I realize that my life is for lack of better words is “comfortable”. My business, The Design Factory, after struggling through this stalled economy is doing much better - thank God. My spiritual life is good. If I haven’t mentioned before, I started a ministry in January of this year called “The Harvest” and consequently preaching too. That in itself is an incredible story that I will share at a later date but for now just know that I’m in a really good space with God.
My personal life is doing well too. My kids are doing exactly what they are suppose to – being kids. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination but each are growing and shaping themselves into the people that they are suppose to be. I’m proud of them and I will be there to support them through their triumphs and failures.
On the other side of my personal life, I’m still learning how to be single after 17 years of marriage. After the divorce, I’ve struggled in the area of dating. I’ve been out the game and jumping back into the dating scene has difinately been a learning experience.
First thing I’ve had to learn is the definition of dating. Which for me is “getting to know” someone you may be interested in. That took me a while to figure out because it seems that’s not the way everyone defines dating. From my experience, it seems to me that womEn in my dating pool of 35 and up are a bit aggressive and very decisive. Dating can be a contact sport and if you are not careful, you could get your butt ran over.
You must remember that the last time I was dating, I had a high-top fade, MC Hammer was top of the charts and you better not come out that house if you were not rocking the illest FUBU gear. So you see, its been a minute since I've dated.
Now that I’m dumped out of my time capsule and landed smack dab in the center of 21st century dating, relationship building has been difficult for me. Since no one has pulled me to the side and schooled me on what to do or expect in the new age dating game, I figured I might as well share my insight of what I've learned the hard way on “dating protocal”.
Here are a few key points you should know and abide by when dating:
1. Know what you want before you start
2. Do your research
3. Establish the rules in the beginning
4. Tell the Truth
5. Establish a Deal Breaker
Rule 1 - Know what you want before you start
Have you ever noticed that if you go to the grocery store without a pre-made shopping list, you find yourself picking up any and everything? God forbid you shop while you are hungry!!! After my divorce, I wasn’t emotionally nor mentally prepared to date because I honestly didn’t know what kind of woman I wanted or needed.
Originally, I thought that it didn’t matter if she was tall or short, thin or thick, long hair or jazzy cut. I didn't want to limit my options in finding love. I wanted to finally live the fairy tale. In reality, there IS a certain criteria that my love interest must meet. For example, I’m looking for a professional woman that is a leader but knows how to be led, is affectionate, knows how to communicate, loves God, loves kids, is ambitious to name a few. Did I forget to mention that she needs to be sensual and sexual? Even though I’m preaching now, I don’t want a Nun in the bedroom! Just saying!
So, take a few minutes and write down the characteristics you want in your mate and don?t settle for any thing less!
Rule 2: Do Your Research
There is a plain and simple truth of everyone is not who the say they are! You don’t have time to waste so gather as much information as you need to either pursue this new candidate or excuse them! I recommend doing a Google search first to see what they have been up to. Look at their Facebook page and be sure to go back to early posts too. This will help you determine worthiness and validate peaked interest on your part.
I don’t know about you but I’m not Rick Ross and I don’t have money nor time to blow! Dating is expensive and time consuming and I would rather spend an hour or two of research on the new candidate to determine if I should proceed. I don’t care how big her bootie is or how fine he may be, this rule will save time, energy, finances and not to mention heartache!
Rule 3: Establish the rules in the beginning
Unless you clearly communication your expectations to your dating partner(s), you will find yourself hurting your partner or getting hurt yourself. I know this may be unconventional but you will do everyone an injustice if you don’t set rules, guidelines and expectations.
For example, if you are not dating exclusively, let him/her know from the start. I know you may be saying that its already understood but I guarantee you that as interest and intimacy grows – the rules will change. The unspoken expectation of “I’m the only person that you are seeing” will creep into the relationship and you will be operating under a different set of expectations.
Also understand that you can say with your words and another thru your actions. For example, I can tell my dating partner that I'm not interest in a committed relationship but give her complete access to my personal life. In her mind, I've spoken commitment through my actions. So, do your partner a favor by communicating clear expectations and by being consistent with your behavior.
Rule 4: Tell the Truth
Even when the truth hurts, you must be honest. If you are dating 10 women, let each one of them know that you are seeing several women. It’s a simple courtesy of letting the other person have an option to continuing date you or not. That also frees you up from ducking and dodging anyone when you go out. Everyone knows what’s up!
Rule 5: Establish a Deal Breaker
Here is where you can really find out who are your star players in this game called love. There are two things that I MUST see a woman demonstrate to consider her a potential partner with me. First, she must be able to pray for me. You may be asking yourself, why is that so important?!? Well, I dated a woman who got embarrassed to pray over our meal. I don’t know about you but I can’t do anything with her! I wasn’t looking for one of those “tear down the walls of Jericho” prayers but I did need to see her make an utterance to God for me. So in the words of Donald Trump, “You’re Fired”!
In reality, change only occurs when you believe and pray. So your mate needs to be able to stand strong with you through the storm, and pray you through it. And if she can’t even pray over my Rudy’s five wing dinner basket with extra seasoning, she surely won’t be able to believe and pray over a failing relationship.
The second part to the “Deal Breaker” may come across a bit weird but here it goes...(in my whisper voice)... She must be willing to wash my butt. That’s right! I said wash my A-Double-S!! I not only mean the butt cheeks but the worthy candidate must be willing to travel to the forbidden zone and clean it too!
Now before you go and start judging me, consider this – what if I get ill. I mean real sick like the old folks described as “Low-Sick” where you can’t take care of yourself. Your mate will need to do more than just say they love you, they will have to show you that they love you! They might tell you that they love your dirty drawers but will they clean that thing that makes it dirty too?!? You’ll thank me later when you remember me telling you that LOVE is an action verb too!
I know that may be too much personal information but I believe in real talk and making things very transparent.
As I conclude, finding your soul mate can be a tricky game, but if you let yourself be lead by God and play by your established rules, you will not only have a great time dating but through this process, you will find yourself a life partner that makes your soul smile.
Love and much success,
Seddy